Yes, it's been awhile since I've posted. Why? Because I find myself staring a lot while thinking about absolutely nothing. I'm slowly losing the inability to feel to the degree that I'm missing the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and sadness I experience. I can't think of anything I really enjoy.
In the past, I have had the convenience of blaming it on a relationship I'm in, or a city I live in and think I hate. After the third time of changing these things with the same feelings occuring, it's just hit me that this is as good as it gets with me. I am a person who either feels everything intensely or feels nothing at all.
Boring...self-loathing....and now more staring.
My fingers actually feel heavy while I'm typing this. It hurts to lift an arm to scratch my fiance's back. I can't really force the smiles anymore. It's hard to look people in the eye because I'm afraid they will see this person I really can't stand.
And this is all while on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. God knows what would be happening if I wasn't on them.
