Again, been awhile. Not quite as long as last time. This will be a shorty because I have about 2 minutes before I need to get ready. Still struggling to like Seattle. I went to a therapist yesterday who kind of summed up in my head what I've been experiencing with people in this city. I'm not trying to blame, it's just been my experience. As I was telling him what I was going through, he was just staring at me with an obvious look of judgement. I could almost see the words flowing out of his mouth like a cartoon, "you shouldn't have moved here, get over it, it must me you", etc. etc. etc. That added to eye rolling (he didn't actually roll his eyes but he may as well have. At about 5 minutes to the end of the session I saw him looking at the clock multiple times. At exactly the 45 minute mark, without giving any feedback, empathy, etc. he said.."Time to wrap up, shall we do this again?" Wow...just wow. I'm going to try again because I'm trying to break this freeze and I guess he will be my practice.
I want to like you Seattle...I really do...please help.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Repeat
Yes, it's been awhile since I've posted. Why? Because I find myself staring a lot while thinking about absolutely nothing. I'm slowly losing the inability to feel to the degree that I'm missing the overwhelming feelings of anxiety and sadness I experience. I can't think of anything I really enjoy.
In the past, I have had the convenience of blaming it on a relationship I'm in, or a city I live in and think I hate. After the third time of changing these things with the same feelings occuring, it's just hit me that this is as good as it gets with me. I am a person who either feels everything intensely or feels nothing at all.
Boring...self-loathing....and now more staring.
My fingers actually feel heavy while I'm typing this. It hurts to lift an arm to scratch my fiance's back. I can't really force the smiles anymore. It's hard to look people in the eye because I'm afraid they will see this person I really can't stand.
And this is all while on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. God knows what would be happening if I wasn't on them.
In the past, I have had the convenience of blaming it on a relationship I'm in, or a city I live in and think I hate. After the third time of changing these things with the same feelings occuring, it's just hit me that this is as good as it gets with me. I am a person who either feels everything intensely or feels nothing at all.
Boring...self-loathing....and now more staring.
My fingers actually feel heavy while I'm typing this. It hurts to lift an arm to scratch my fiance's back. I can't really force the smiles anymore. It's hard to look people in the eye because I'm afraid they will see this person I really can't stand.
And this is all while on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. God knows what would be happening if I wasn't on them.
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